Top 10 Most Violent Games? Puh-leaze.

Ok. I want everyone to know I freakin' HATE TOP 10 lists. Everyone is always trying to capture some nuance of some abstract concept and put it into a bloody TOP 10 list. I'm f$@Kin' sick of it. I do realize that everyone has a right to their opinion but I'm going to come right out and say, that you will never find a TOP 10 list on someonestolemydomain.com...ever.

That won't stop me of course from poo-pooing other people's lists, however. Every so often I come accross one that is so offensive, so ill-conceived, that I can't help but take a massive dump all over it.

And as such, is today's The Top 10 Most Violent Videogames Ever [gamefaqs.com].

Here's my itemized response to the list:

Please note the following post may contain graphic images that are in no way affiliated with the Mushroom Kingdom

(game titles link to gamerankings.com where avilable.)


#10
Mortal Kombat (Arcade):
Ok. I'll let this one pass. I challenge any gamer over the age of 25 to name a moment more surreal and satisfying than to see a digitized fatality for the very first time. I know I can't. I remember suddenly, the entire arcade darkening around me, standing back in awe as Sub-zero ripped Sonya's dangling spine from her torso in one fell swoop. The next thing I knew, I was a half-dollar shorter. After that, a friend and I spent many hours of our math classes, performing hand-drawn fatalities on each other's caricatures. But even then, we outgrew its shock value. It's really too bad Ed Boon and John Tobias [wikipedia.org] didn't know when they had worn out their welcome (Officially, by most accounts, Mortal Kombat 3).

#9
Splatterhouse (Arcade/TG-16/Genesis):
How is smashing supernatural beings with your fists violent? Is it because there is blood and guts all over the place? Is it because of the sickening backgrounds? Let's not confuse fantasy-gore with violence. This game is about as violent as Double Dragon.

#8
The Punisher (PS2,Xbox):
Any game where you interrogate, before you brutally execute them in a censored montage of animations, is not nearly violent enough to be on this list. Oh and I'm sorry to say, but the movie was better than the game, no matter what the author of this TOP 10 list would have you believe.

#7
Hitman: Bloody Money (PC,PS2,Xbox): To quote the article:

"The latest entry in the Hitman series is filled with many more killing opportunities than it's predecessors. Agent 47, our favorite killer for hire, disguises himself in various different ways and resorts to endless amounts of weapons to get the job done, no matter how nastily. The game even involves hiding the corpses from the naked eye as well as resulting effects based on the brutality of the killing. Very realistic concepts and with an extra helping of violence thrown in."

Sounds like every other Hitman title. Why don't we just put *every* iteration of the same boring concept on this list? Oh and by the way, the dip who wrote this for gamefaqs.com forgot to mention it was also out for PC. How bad is that? He/She couldn't be bothered to research the very pole they are smoking with this post.

#6
Mortal Komabat: Deception (PS2, Xbox, GCN): Already running out of gas? At least the author had the good sense to skip, Mortal Kombat III, Mortal Kombat: Ultimate Edition, Mortal Kombat 4, Mortal Kombat Tournament Edition, Mortal Kombat Gold, Mortal Kombat Advance, SNES Mortal Kombat (complete with sweat), Mortal Kombat Special Forces, Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance, Mortal Kombat Armageddon, Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-zero and Mortal Kombat: Shaol.... oh *wait*

#5
Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks (PS2, Xbox):
Silly me to think, that one Mortal Kombat covered all of the bases. But I stand corrected, that Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks is not only the best Mortal Kombat game ever made, but it is also the most violent Except for the fact that violence usually implies shock factor, which is most definately missing from this game. The only shock to me would be if Ed Boon would simply shrivel up in his own Dead Pool and stop releasing endless iterations of the same formula.


#4
God of War (PS2): Great Kratos, another Keeper! God of War is an originally brutal and violent game that shows that mythological violence is every bit as good as the real stuff. Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks wishes it was this fun, or even had a fraction of the overall game's originality. It's unfortunate that when the author re-visits his article next year, God of War II will be #3, right after this gem.

#3
Gears of War (Xbox360): Right, this game is about as violent as Star Ship Troopers. Big guns, with even bigger aliens. You know what? If aliens are attacking me, I don't consider killing them to be violent. Aliens are bad and they want your cornhole, which sounds to me a lot more violent than busting a few fully automatic caps in their red-eyes while ducking and covering like cowards. This game may be violent but it doesn't belong on this list. By the same logic, any Contra game belongs on this list (I can imagine Clif Bleszinski lying awake, deep within the bowels of his mothership, wondering how he could make Contra fun in 3D since no one at Konami ever could) and even then I guarantee my Contra body-count is much, much higher.


#2
Manhunt (PS2): Well, looks like someone was saving this for the (near) end! Rockstar really hit the nail on the head (no pun intended) with Manhunt. I have to admit, they set out to obsolete the cinematic snuff film. Unfortunately, this game is mostly creepy, and not nearly as disgusting as some of the shit I've seen on youtube and around the Interwebs.

#1
Thrill Kill (PS): Ok. This one is kind of violent. Thrill Kill takes Mortal Kombat to the next logical extreme. Ultra-violence is great and everything but it is amazingly unsatisfying in the end. It's the simple reason why this game got cancelled, and you got the thuggish-ly ambiguous Wu-Tang Shaolin-style and Backyard Wrestling: Don't Try This At Home instead. Talk about weak. Also, just in case you're a really sick puppy: this one's available on the intarwebs.

I can fully expect that I won't agree with everyone's opinion on this list, or even that some of you may even disagree with my opinion of these games. But readers, what you can't deny, is this list is nothing more than massively-dugg by a huge swatch of 15 year old mouth-breathers that are completely clueless.

Here's a bunch of appalling shit that didn't make this lil' tyke's list:

Grand Theft Auto (The Entire Series) (PC, PSOne, PS2, Xbox, PS3, Xbox360, PSP): How could you leave off the most prolific, senselessly violent title known to man? I mean, this isn't some cartoon violence we're talking about here. We're talking pimping hoes, cop-grillin, bashing guys on bicycles and carpet-bomb rampaging action, and all that is before I got the Harrier with missiles. Let's not forget all the other wholesome stuff you can do in this game. Is the author on crack, or is he merely underage and unable to procure a copy of this game for himself?

Time Killers (Arcade, Gen): In response to Mortal Kombat, this game was pure psychopathic bliss, with what seemed to be random decapitations and dismemberments. Whats worse is the match would continue. If you could master this game, Mortal Kombat must be a cinch for you. The five button layout (one for hacking at each of your opponents appendages) and sometimes if you wiggled the joystick just right, an incredibly brutal instant kill would take place. Thrill Kill wishes it were as campy as this game- yes, I said campy. This game makes for violence and gore like a 60's Batman television episode, only full contact and without the splashes. One more interesting fact about this game: It's tamed port to the Sega Genesis actually sold more copies than the Arcade unit. Go figure.


Quake 3 (PC, DC): Ever been in a meat-grinder? As those little giblets of yours pile up in The Courtyard, you'll know what I'm talking about

Resident Evil 4 (PC, PS2, GCN): How is this not on the list? I mean it came out for Gamecube for crying out loud! In this game, I found so many brutal ways to kill citizens of the Village of the Damned and they're not even typical undead zombies. These are living breathing virtual people, with chainsaws! The ambiance also manages to top Splatterhouse in creepy death worship which of course, all makes for a freaking amazing zombie-masher.

Wolfenstein 3D: The ultimate in passable ultra-violence just 3.5" wide.

As you can see I'm really grasping at straws here. I could mention all the Grand Theft Auto clones, or try to argue that all of the aforementioned games are murder-death-kill-simulators but there's really no point. If you're playing games and are having difficulty separating fantasy from reality, then you indeed have a larger problem. Many older adults (who are not simply on the "Anti-Violence Bandwagon") probably can't tell fantasy from reality themselves, and this is why they get their panties up in a bunch over it.

So, you see, I have no need for this shameful TOP 10 list. Its clearly not accurate, and well frankly there are barely enough mentionable games to belong on it. Even those that might belong, are questionably "violent" in the current sense of the word. Some pushed the envelope, but most reminded us of "gore and violence" that has existed in art for millenia. It makes no difference how its rendered, its at worst fantasy, and at best an idea. Its a waste of time to compile such lists, and such I apologize for having wasted yours with my rant.

I love all of the games I've mentioned today, except for later Mortal Kombat titles, Punisher and Thrill Kill. The worst you'll ever get from me is owned in Metal Gear, in a hail of bullets.